I don’t even know what to do. This pregnancy has been so hard, but I was still so happy. Now it’s over. We went into the doctor today for an ultrasound and found out that the baby’s heart stopped beating, it stopped growing soon after I left the hospital in November.

I’ve been so sick that miscarriage never even occurred to me. Everyone kept telling me how great it is that I am so sick. Dr. Firpo said that the reason I’m still sick is because even though the pregnancy isn’t viable, I still have the pregnancy hormone.

This hurts more than I can put into words. I’ve been going back and forth from numb to sobbing since she told us. I know rationally that it means there was something wrong with the baby. I know that it’s nothing that I did, or that we did. I know that…but it doesn’t make it any easier. I was supposed to be at 9 weeks 4 days (so 7 weeks 4 days gestational) but the heart must have stopped beating between 5 & 6 weeks gestational.

Dr. Firpo told me that I can come home and wait to miscarry -it might be anywhere from tomorrow to two weeks from now, or I could have the d & c and get it over with. I’m scheduled for the d & c on Wednesday at 12:30. I want to have it done and have them send the embryo to pathology to see if we can find out what went wrong.

I think sitting at home waiting for it to happen would just be so much worse. At least this way it is all controlled and they can make sure everything comes out.

I knew the minute that the image came on the screen that it was over. It didn’t look any bigger, it still looked like a little blob & I couldn’t see the heartbeat. It was immediately visible on the last one. Then she measured it and got the chart to check what the last measurements were. I knew before she even said anything that it was over.

I don’t know how to deal with this. This is one of the most painful things I have ever been through. I’ve always felt badly for people when I’ve heard they miscarried, but never really understood the depth of their pain.

This wasn’t yet a person; our baby didn’t even make it from embryo to fetus, but this is killing me. Every time someone tells me they are sorry it breaks my heart a little bit more. It’s not that I want people to ignore this. This is happening to us, this is real to us, and it would almost be worse for people to ignore the fact that we were expecting a child.

The people I have told are some of the most important people in my life. I’ve told my core friends and my family, now I just have to figure out how to tell other people. I’m not really sure how to do it though. It kills me just saying the words.

I have to think it would be easier if I had some sign that it was going to happen. If I had been cramping, or if I had bleeding, if my nausea had suddenly gone away… but just going in for a regular visit and sonogram to find out that the baby is essentially gone. That’s just unfair.

I know we can try again next year. I know it’s better that it has happened now rather than further along in the pregnancy, or having the baby die after birth, but it is still so painful.

At least I have Hushbear, he has been taking care of me all day. I know this has to be as hard on him as it is on me. He’s just trying to keep it together because I am such a basket case. I honestly don’t know what I would do without him.