It’s been 4 years since my miscarriage. I never know which date to track it by. Is it the 8th when we found out the pregnancy was no longer viable? Or is it the 10th when I had the d&c, which physically ended it? Does it matter? Not really. Though I think having a definitive date makes it a little easier for some reason.

It’s not as hard as it was even a year after it happened. We have two kids now, and at that time I was beginning to wonder if we would have any. I don’t think about it everyday, or even every week now. It just randomly pops into my mind.

I do wonder sometimes what that kid would have been like. Would he/she have been as funny or high maintenance as Avi? Or as calm and laid back as Ari? Maybe somewhere in the middle? Avi and Ari look so different. Would he/she have looked like more like Avi or Ari? Would we have Avi? Quite possibly no, and we definitely wouldn’t have Ari.

At the time people kept saying a number of things to make me feel better including “everything happens for a reason.” I’m still not sure how I feel about that. I don’t think I miscarried because I was supposed to have Avi & Ari or so, I don’t know… I would value them more or something. I think it was just a shitty thing that you sometimes have to live through before things get better.

I feel lucky to have made it through with my marriage even stronger than it was & I feel extremely lucky to have the two kids we do have. It’s exhausting at times, but they’re pretty amazing.