A: She became a “melon-collie” baby.
This was the joke on my honeydew-hibiscus Hint water the other day and seems fitting. I’ve been melancholy for the past few weeks.
I think it’s all just kind of hitting me. Last year on October 28th, I found out that I was pregnant. I soon became really sick and by mid-November had lost over 5 lbs due to hyperemesis. I kept thinking it was a good sign because it meant my hormones were high. I was in the hospital the week before Thanksgiving last year and put on the Zofran pump to control the nausea and hopefully allow me to keep some food and water down.
The hardest thing to wrap my head around is that last year while in the hospital I had our baby growing inside of me. I had an ultrasound and saw the baby’s heart beating. That was the last time I would see that. We didn’t know it, but the baby stopped developing very soon after that hospital stay. I had no signs for miscarriage and went until December 8th thinking that everything was okay. Thinking that we were going to be parents. Not realizing that it was over. Then a routine ultrasound showed no fetal development and all of a sudden it was over. (Well, except for the nausea which lasted another 5 days.)
On December 10th it will have been a year since I had the D&C that officially ended my first pregnancy. I’ll admit that it still hurts. It’s not a constant ache and I’m fine for the most part, but it hits me suddenly sometimes. My due date was a really hard day for me. Appointments with the OB/GYN can be hard. Every negative pregnancy test hurts. (I thank god for Tara and booze those days.)
I know I’ll be okay, but sometimes it’s a bit much. I feel like my life has been placed on hold. I can’t make plans because I don’t know when I’ll be pregnant or when I’ll have a baby. I can’t start grad school. My control freak self is going crazy. I like to have a plan. I just want to make it to December 11th right now. In my head time is crawling to that date. Once I make it there I can dust myself off but for now I’ll just pout.
Alternate title for this post: “It’s my blog & I’ll have a pity-party if I want to”