But it’s an even year…

Posted on December 9, 2008 by SP

2008 so far:

  • January 2-14, Hushbear and I went in Sydney
  • February 8-10 we went to NOLA with friends
  • Mid-March found out I won’t graduate until May 09
  • March 22 -5 year wedding anniversary
  • April 23 – turn 29
  • May -went to Michigan to visit family
  • June – August summer school hell
  • Early August -switch to the generic Lamictal & have seizures
  • August 14-25 -trip to Europe (Amsterdam, Brussels, & Paris)
  • August 26 -Fall semester begins
  • September 27 -PICGirl becomes Mrs. PICGirl.
  • October 28th -first positive pregnancy test
  • October 28-31 bouncing off the walls so excited -tell almost anyone who will listen
  • November 11 -first ultrasound, we can see sack but no baby
  • November 15 -Val & Jason get married
  • November 21 -in the hospital for hyperemesis, second ultrasound -I see baby & heartbeat
  • November 22 -outfitted with a Zofran pump & given an IV at home
  • November 29 Brie & Jason get married
  • December 8 routine ultrasound at OB visit shows no heartbeat or fetal development
  • December 10 D&C scheduled

I am crushed. Rationally, I know that there’s nothing I could have done, but I can help thinking what if.

What if I had lost more weight, and kept off that which I had lost already?
What if I had gone in sooner instead of waiting thinking the nausea & vomiting would get better?
What if I had bonded with the baby? I was excited about the baby, but not the pregnancy.
What if I ate better in the beginning?
What if I had exercised like they say you should in the baby books?
What if I had slept more and stressed out over school less?
What if I didn’t take my Lamictal?
What if I didn’t take the Zofran?
What if I didn’t eat enough protein?
What if I hadn’t spent the entire pregnancy complaining about how miserable I was?

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Part of the pregnancy package

Posted on December 9, 2008 by SP

My insurance company (Blue Cross Blue Shield) has a separate $1000 deductible for pregnancy. So far I have only paid $122.67. Through the pregnancy I would have paid that, and then I would have then paid 20% of all costs.

The hospital called to confirm my d & c and let me know that since I haven’t met my pregnancy plan deductible I will owe them $877.33 tomorrow. You see, this d & c, -you know, the thing I have to have done to have my baby removed from my body, yeah, that thing is part of the “pregnancy package”.

How can this be considered part of that? How terrible. I didn’t want my pregnancy to end this way. I guess it’s the way the insurance company is trying to suggest that I sit at home and wait to miscarry.

I don’t understand how they can do this. Not only is it insensitive, it’s just horrible. What kind of people build that into a plan? I could see this being part of a surgical deductible or something, but to say it’s part of the pregnancy plan. It just makes me sick.

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It’s over

Posted on December 8, 2008 by SP

I don’t even know what to do. This pregnancy has been so hard, but I was still so happy. Now it’s over. We went into the doctor today for an ultrasound and found out that the baby’s heart stopped beating, it stopped growing soon after I left the hospital in November.

I’ve been so sick that miscarriage never even occurred to me. Everyone kept telling me how great it is that I am so sick. Dr. Firpo said that the reason I’m still sick is because even though the pregnancy isn’t viable, I still have the pregnancy hormone.

This hurts more than I can put into words. I’ve been going back and forth from numb to sobbing since she told us. I know rationally that it means there was something wrong with the baby. I know that it’s nothing that I did, or that we did. I know that…but it doesn’t make it any easier. I was supposed to be at 9 weeks 4 days (so 7 weeks 4 days gestational) but the heart must have stopped beating between 5 & 6 weeks gestational.

Dr. Firpo told me that I can come home and wait to miscarry -it might be anywhere from tomorrow to two weeks from now, or I could have the d & c and get it over with. I’m scheduled for the d & c on Wednesday at 12:30. I want to have it done and have them send the embryo to pathology to see if we can find out what went wrong.

I think sitting at home waiting for it to happen would just be so much worse. At least this way it is all controlled and they can make sure everything comes out.

I knew the minute that the image came on the screen that it was over. It didn’t look any bigger, it still looked like a little blob & I couldn’t see the heartbeat. It was immediately visible on the last one. Then she measured it and got the chart to check what the last measurements were. I knew before she even said anything that it was over.

I don’t know how to deal with this. This is one of the most painful things I have ever been through. I’ve always felt badly for people when I’ve heard they miscarried, but never really understood the depth of their pain.

This wasn’t yet a person; our baby didn’t even make it from embryo to fetus, but this is killing me. Every time someone tells me they are sorry it breaks my heart a little bit more. It’s not that I want people to ignore this. This is happening to us, this is real to us, and it would almost be worse for people to ignore the fact that we were expecting a child.

The people I have told are some of the most important people in my life. I’ve told my core friends and my family, now I just have to figure out how to tell other people. I’m not really sure how to do it though. It kills me just saying the words.

I have to think it would be easier if I had some sign that it was going to happen. If I had been cramping, or if I had bleeding, if my nausea had suddenly gone away… but just going in for a regular visit and sonogram to find out that the baby is essentially gone. That’s just unfair.

I know we can try again next year. I know it’s better that it has happened now rather than further along in the pregnancy, or having the baby die after birth, but it is still so painful.

At least I have Hushbear, he has been taking care of me all day. I know this has to be as hard on him as it is on me. He’s just trying to keep it together because I am such a basket case. I honestly don’t know what I would do without him.

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Neil Patrick Harris makes me smile

Posted on December 3, 2008 by SP
See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die
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Hyper what?

Posted on November 24, 2008 by SP

Hushbear and I went to see OBDoc on Friday because of all the vomiting. She admitted me to the hospital within about 30 minutes of getting there, so I got to spend all day Friday in the hospital for observation and rehydration.

I was cramping so they did an ultrasound and everything looks great. They were able to see the heartbeat. It was 146 bpm, not sure if that’s good or not, but whatever. They confirmed my due date is 07/09/09; I am currently 7 weeks 4 days pregnant.

I was put on a Zofran pump to curb the nausea and the HG diagnosis was confirmed. The Zofran pump is a wonderful little contraption that makes my life more liveable. There are a few problems with the pump though. I have to move the tubes, not like move out of the way, I have to physically reinsert them on my body. Ouch. It uses a really long needle and is just not very much fun. Also, I still have nausea and even threw up today. I’ve had a constant headache since I started using the pump and my heartburn is terrible. Now every time I eat (even foods on the bland list) I get heartburn.

Saturday the home nurse came over and made me put my IV back in. It really sucks walking around the house dragging an IV pole around.

It looks like I might miss another wedding. My friend J & his fiancée B are getting married in Vegas this weekend. I really can’t see myself getting on a plane.

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more of the same

Posted on November 19, 2008 by SP

Looks like I might be going back to the doctor before the 8th of December. I cannot keep any food or liquid down at all. I am going to call the doctor tomorrow to see if I can come in after class. I can’t miss any more class. I’ve already missed 3 French classes in the past week.

Someone on one of the pregnancy forums said what I have described is what she had in her last pregnancy. It’s called hyperemesis gravidarum. Sounds nasty. I just hope she can see me tomorrow, this is miserable.

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Why do I want to go to work this week?

Posted on November 17, 2008 by SP

…because it will give me something to bitch about other than this chronic nausea.

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Why watermelon?

Posted on November 16, 2008 by SP

I cannot eat anything. Seriously, anything. I feel okay most nights between 7 & 9 (not sure why), so I will eat something then I am sick again. I missed a friend’s wedding yesterday because I could not stop throwing up.

Desperate for something to eat, I went to Whole Foods yesterday. I remembers my doctor saying to try to get watermelon if I can find it. I found some pre-cut watermelon and to my delight and surprise I can actually eat it! It’s the only food that stays down. At least I will be hydrated!

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Zofran, I have such high hopes for you!

Posted on November 13, 2008 by SP

I didn’t want to take you. I took the prescription from Dr. F to use if I have to, but I didn’t intend on taking you. I’m worried about taking anything else since I’m already taking the Lamictal.

That changed today and now I am sitting here waiting to feel better. I did what I was told to do. When I woke up I ate a couple of crackers. I waited, when I kept that down I took my Lamictal with a sip of water. I threw that up within seconds.

I waited a little while longer and tried the Lamictal again. This time I didn’t throw up so I got in the shower after 5 minutes. Then I threw up. I got in the car to go to school and I threw up when I got outside of my neighborhood. The guy in the car next to me had the funniest look on his face when he watched me throw up into the barf bag. I just smiled and held up the bag.

I gave up and came home where I proceeded to throw up another 6 times. I called my mom and puked twice while on the phone with her. I got off the phone and gave in. I decided to take you, Zofran. I put your flat little orally disintegrating tablet on my tongue and bam. Thew up again. Well, at least I tried to. There’s nothing left to come out.

Zofran, why do you taste so nasty? Fruit? Really? Who decided on that? I’m sure it’s so kids on chemo can take it, but something other than fruit would have been better. Oh but not bubblegum. Please not bubblegum.

So here I sit Zofran, almost an hour later. Still nauseous, but not throwing up. Is this all I can expect of you? I wanted to feel like I did before I got pregnant. I was hoping I would make it to my last class of the day. But no, you’re not that good.

I’m not completely giving up on you yet though. I still hold out hope that you are my magic solution. That you will make me feel human again. But for now, I will keep my bucket near.

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Adventures in pregnancy

Posted on November 12, 2008 by SP

I think I am a very skilled driver. I must be, I had a first today. Today is the first time I have thrown up while driving. Not just driving though, I was actually turning into a parking lot.

I was so sick this morning I missed French class (not good because I don’t think I did well on my last exam) and it was all I could do to shower and go up to the pharmacy. I was worried the entire way there that I was going to throw up. I got to the lot and grabbed a barf bag (which I had previously opened) and managed to puke in it while maintaining control of the car! That requires talent!

I went in for my first OB appointment yesterday. Things went well, she said my hormone levels were high which is good. I had my first ultrasound but all we could see is the sac. Did you know that in the beginning it’s a yolk sac? I had no idea. I had more blood drawn and I go back in on December 8th for the next ultrasound.

I made the mistake of watching some show on TLC about delivering babies and it more or less has me sold on c-section. I’m worried about having a seizure during delivery anyway, but after watching that I wanted to tear my arm off. I couldn’t stop cringing and wishing I had rented a womb!

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