2008 so far:

• January 2-14, Hushbear and I went in Sydney
• February 8-10 we went to NOLA with friends
• Mid-March found out I won’t graduate until May 09
• March 22 -5 year wedding anniversary
• April 23 – turn 29
• May -went to Michigan to visit family
• June – August summer school hell
• Early August -switch to the generic Lamictal & have seizures
• August 14-25 -trip to Europe (Amsterdam, Brussels, & Paris)
• August 26 -Fall semester begins
• September 27 -PICGirl becomes Mrs. PICGirl.
• October 28th -first positive pregnancy test
• October 28-31 bouncing off the walls so excited -tell almost anyone who will listen
• November 11 -first ultrasound, we can see sack but no baby
• November 15 -Val & Jason get married
• November 21 -in the hospital for hyperemesis, second ultrasound -I see baby & heartbeat
• November 22 -outfitted with a Zofran pump & given an IV at home
• November 29 Brie & Jason get married
• December 8 routine ultrasound at OB visit shows no heartbeat or fetal development
• December 10 D&C scheduled

I am crushed. Rationally, I know that there’s nothing I could have done, but I can help thinking what if.

What if I had lost more weight, and kept off that which I had lost already?
What if I had gone in sooner instead of waiting thinking the nausea & vomiting would get better?
What if I had bonded with the baby? I was excited about the baby, but not the pregnancy.
What if I ate better in the beginning?
What if I had exercised like they say you should in the baby books?
What if I had slept more and stressed out over school less?
What if I didn’t take my Lamictal?
What if I didn’t take the Zofran?
What if I didn’t eat enough protein?
What if I hadn’t spent the entire pregnancy complaining about how miserable I was?