Trying to go to sleep is now one of the hardest parts of my day. Almost every night for the past several years Isabell and I have gone to sleep together. She would wait patiently at the end of the bed (or next to me with her head on Hushbear’s pillow) until I was done reading or studying for me to turn out the light. Then she would crawl over to me and wait for me to lift the blankets. She would curl up right next to me under the blankets with her head right under my chin and go to sleep with her head on my pillow.

Every night as she settled in she would sigh. As if she had a trying day and was now relaxing. I would sigh along with her. There was something so comforting about our ritual. Even if I had a terrible day I could lay with my calm girl and go to sleep. It was one of the most relaxing parts of my day. If she fell asleep before me, her rhythmic pattern of breathing would usually lull me to sleep.

Last week when Hushbear and I were in Australia there was an Isabell sized pillow on our bed and I fell asleep holding it every night. It wasn’t the same, but I found a little comfort in it. Now I am back in my own bed and just can’t settle down.

I miss her all day. I keep wanting to call her over to watch tv with me. I look for her to give her a little pat and a kiss on the head when I walk into a room. When I am half asleep in the morning I pat the bed next to me to signal for her to come over…but she’s not there. I know it will get easier. It has to eventually. But for now, trying to sleep is the hardest part.