In limbo

I’ve been doing so well. I hadn’t really cried since Saturday when I told a good friend that we lost the baby. (Yeah, it was only 2 days, but it was progress.) That wasn’t even in person because he moved to Finland. I’m dreading having to talk to people face-to-face.

Today I decided to put the ultrasound pictures away. We have one from 5 weeks where only the sac is visible, then one from 7 weeks. The 7 week one basically looks like a blob, but you can see the difference between the body and the head. Plus the ultrasound tech showed me on that picture where the heart was.

That picture was in a card that the hospital gave us. I was walking down the hall with it and it fell out. I absolutely lost it. I started thinking that since the baby stopped developing soon after that ultrasound that he/she never made it past that.

UGH. I feel like I’m in limbo right now. I’m still healing from the D&C and know I have to wait at least until after the first cycle to start trying again. I had so many hopes for this baby. I don’t want to replace this one, I just want to continue. I’m fine for the most part. I just think I’ll feel better when we are able to really move on. When we have new dates to look forward to. A new baby to dream about.

Part of it is that I don’t have anything to focus on right now. I’m in bed because I feel a lot better when I relax, but there is only so much TV you can watch, and only so many websites to go to. I should probably continue studying since I still have to take my Fall exams in January.

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About SP

Recovering pharmacy technician, History BA, wife to a workaholic, mommy to one pup and two boys, epileptic, vegetarian. I've got a mouth like a sailor & find myself becoming more cynical & more liberal all the time.
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