It’s getting easier, but the pain is still there. I felt stronger emotionally today, and I haven’t cried, so that’s an improvement.

I decided not to take my Vicodin this morning to see if I could handle the pain. Bad idea. Really stupid, really bad, really dumb idea. The pain isn’t so severe I can’t manage, but it’s quite uncomfortable. I’ve decided to continue the Vicodin today and possibly tomorrow then switch to the ibuprofen.

I’m not nervous about getting pregnant again. Even after going through this I’m not scared about it happening again. After hours and hours spent online reading stories of other women I feel confident about our chances.

I don’t want to be like a lot of these other women though. Many of them are so strong and happy about their pregnancies, but then there are others. Those who are terrified. They can’t even enjoy their pregnancy. They take every symptom (or the lack of symptoms) as a bad sign.

If they feel the same way they did with their last pregnancy then they are certain the current one is going to end in miscarriage as well. If they don’t have any strong symptoms they don’t count themselves as lucky, they are terrified that it will be over soon.

My heart breaks for them. They can’t stand the thought of going through the pain of another loss, and they are so consumed with fear that they can’t enjoy what they have. I’m not judging them. Honestly, I don’t know how I will feel when the time comes, but I want to be one of the women that enjoys every moment of her pregnancy.

Even though I don’t anticipate losing another baby, I don’t think we’re going to tell many people when I do get pregnant again. Obviously I will tell my mom, and my core friends. I can’t imagine not telling some people. I think that might be it though. I’m not afraid of letting people know, and I’m not worried about jinxing the pregnancy or anything. I’m more worried about other people’s reactions.

I know the above will be happy for us and supportive, but I’m worried others might say or do something stupid. I don’t want people trying to compare this pregnancy to the next one. Even healthy, happy pregnancies can follow the same path, or be completely different.

My Dad said that he and his whore of a wife were talking and she’s wondering if it’s not my medications that caused the baby to stop developing. I wanted to say “Are you fucking kidding me? Are you really saying this to me?” Instead I told him that my doctor said it has nothing to do with me. It’s not my fault and my medications did not cause this. There is nothing I could have done differently to change the outcome of this pregnancy.

Next pregnancy, I’m going to ignore everyone. I’m going to ignore every suggestion that everyone has, every unsolicited opinion they decide to share with me. I know I couldn’t have changed this outcome.

oops..I just noticed that I never published this. It was in “drafts” guess I’ll just send it out now.