I wasn’t prepared for a miscarriage. I wasn’t one of those women who think of everything that could go wrong. I was pregnant and happy and figured that the hyperemesis was the worst of it. (I mean how much worse could it be? Being admitted to the hospital because I was throwing up 20+ times a day and not even keeping water down. Surely nothing else could go wrong.) When the doctor told me that the pregnancy was no longer viable I had no idea that that was only the beginning. I knew what to do right away. Before I even cried I knew that I wanted to have the D&C and be finished. I knew that long after the physical pain disappears I would be left with emotional scars.
I guess I didn’t know it would sneak up on me and be so painful at times. It was 3 months ago today (Sunday 03/08/09) that I found out it was over. On Tuesday it will be 3 months since the D&C. I don’t really know where I’m going with this post. I can think about getting pregnant again and feel hopeful and excited. I’m able to look forward to the future.
The past week or so has been hard though. I wonder how long it will be before the 8th and 10th of every month become just another day and not X amount of time since the end of my pregnancy. When will I see July on a calendar and not think that I should have been bringing home a baby that month?
I’m trying to keep my self together. To be quite honest, I don’t really have time for it now. I need to continue to do well this semester. Sometimes it’s just too hard. For the most part I’m fine. I really am at peace with it. It just wasn’t meant to be, we’ll try again. I have an amazing husband and (even though things have been crappy over the past 3 months) a great life.