This is made so much harder since we had Maggie euthanized in the fall, but watching her decline is worse. It’s the right thing to do, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I’m going to miss her so much.

Baby, Isabell & Maggie -December, 2008

Baby being silly.

Baby & Zoë

Things to keep in mind when reading this:

• Cole was missing for 13 days & signs were posted all over town.
• Animal Control had been contacted & offered to place a cage in the area he was seen in the next time he was spotted.
• My mom, Brock, & Darci were searching for him every single day.
• Animal Control policy (per the supervisor) is to tranquillize a pet to bring them in for treatment. Cole was clearly a pet & had a collar & tags, but was shot along the side of the road.
• The Animal Control officer took Cole’s collar off & dumped his body in the landfill before contacting Brock. The dumping of a pet is also not in line with their policy.
• He lied about what happened & it took a phone call from my mom about getting Cole’s body for cremation to get the real story out of the guy. He said he shot him because he didn’t think he could get him with the loop & was afraid he would run off into the woods.
• The officer went to the landfill & picked up Cole’s body after his shift was over then brought it to my mom’s house so she could have him cremated. He also admitted to my mom that he could have handled it differently.
• The officer didn’t bother to file a report for 5 days.
• The only reprimand the animal control officer is getting is a letter placed in his file about dumping the body. Nothing about not following procedure for the rest of it. No suspension (we expected that), no retraining, just a letter & back on the job without missing a beat. At least in Galena Park, they admitted that the officer was wrong & action was taken against him.
• This particular officer has been on the job for 24 years. One would assume that he would be quite familiar with their policies.

My opinion is that even if he really thought Cole wouldn’t make it, he should have followed procedure & tranquilized him. I don’t know what shape he was in, but it’s somewhat conceivable that Cole was in such bad shape that he would not have made it after being given the tranquilizer. (I don’t think this was probably the case for a number of reasons, but I didn’t see him & much like the officer wouldn’t be qualified to make that determination.) Even so, he would have been given a chance & it’s much more humane treatment than shooting him in the head. I realize it’s crass to keep repeating that, but it’s what he did. Cole was very loved and deserved better than that.

I’ll never understand why he shot Cole, but I don’t think he did it out of compassion. If he had, he wouldn’t have felt the need to lie or tried to cover things up. He would have called Brock & told him that he found Cole, but he was in such bad shape that he put him out of his misery. I still wouldn’t have thought it was okay since he is in no way qualified to make that decision, but it would have been better than killing him & dumping his body. By doing so, he disrespected Cole as well as those who loved him. The man disgusts me.

I’m not posting his name, but I will say that if you go to the Wexford County Animal Control site, he’s the only one with a mustache.

On to the letter:

My family has a very special relationship with pets. We have always seen them as family and losing someone this close to you is incredibly hard, especially when the loss is so unnecessary and pointless.

Every summer I watch my son’s dog named Cole while he and his fiancée are on vacation. Cole was a black four-year-old Great Dane who was as sweet as he was big. Cole was an enormous, funny dog, who was afraid of strangers and would often sit on my lap as if he were a lap dog. I always looked forward to having him. This year the unthinkable happened. A door was accidentally opened and Cole ran outside and disappeared.

My son ended his vacation and we immediately launched a frantic search. We placed an ad in the newspaper and on the radio. We nailed dozens of brightly colored posters all over Manton and tried to find him before he got hurt. The Wexford Animal Control offered to place a cage in an area he was recently seen to try to lure him in with food. Soon people began calling to let us know where they had seen Cole. It was incredibly frustrating to miss him every time, sometimes by a matter of minutes, but we continued to spend countless hours looking. Cole had his collar and tags. He was healthy and well taken care of. Even as the odds of finding him dwindled, we never gave up hope and were determined to continue to search.

We had searched for 13 days when my son received a call from an animal control officer who said we could pick up Cole’s collar and tags. The officer told him that he had found Cole in very bad condition, with porcupine quills lodged in his throat and barely able to walk. The vet had done everything he could, but he could not be saved. His body would not be available for cremation. He was simply gone.

It was only after I called the officer to understand why we could not pick up his body when I found out what really happened. Cole is very scared of strangers and tried to walk away when he was found. The officer chose to shoot him in the head, because he was afraid that Cole was going to disappear into the woods. Rather than show basic human kindness and follow procedure to tranquilize the animal for treatment by a veterinarian, he opted to kill Cole along the side of the road. Before even attempting to call my son, Cole’s body was dumped on a landfill like common trash.

We have no way of knowing whether Cole could have survived. He simply never had a chance. Cole was loved very much. He was a member of our family. I will never forgive myself for letting him get away, but the thought of him suffering, alone and afraid for 13 days before being senselessly shot on the side of the road makes his loss unbearable.

Our animal control services are there to protect animals when they need us most, rather than provide expedient disposal of them when they become an inconvenience. We fervently hope that other families never experience the heartache we have and Wexford County takes the necessary steps to avoid needlessly hurting animals in the future.

We had a trip to San Francisco planned from March 4-7, so I scheduled the appointment for Wednesday, the 10th, after we got back. After letting me whine for a while, my doctor asked me if I wanted to give Clomid a try. She was willing to prescribe it for up to 3 cycles before sending me to a specialist. I had already decided that Clomid would be the best route & I was all set to start during the next cycle. She gave me a prescription with strict instructions to do a pregnancy test before I started taking them just as a precaution.

I was due to start the Clomid cycle on March 20th or 21st, so I did a pregnancy test on the 18th on a whim. Positive. Holy crap!?! ZOMG!!! What? I opened up another box (What? You don’t want to use the same box in case there was something wrong with that batch!) and made Misha wait on the phone with me while I did the second test. Positive again.

Yep, that’s right! I’m officially, officially pregnant! I’ve had 2 ultrasounds and everything looks perfect. I will be 10 weeks on Friday. The baby is measuring exactly as it should and has a very strong heartbeat. I’m due November 26th, so no post-Thanksgiving party at our house this year either.

The first ultrasound was at 7 weeks 4 days, so it didn’t really look like much. I thought it looked like an otter, Misha said Silly Putty. My lovely, wonderful, amazing OB knew that I was going to be nervous because during my first pregnancy the baby stopped developing at 7 weeks 4 days, so she offered to do another ultrasound 2 weeks later. Love that woman so much.

We did the second ultrasound today and it was amazing. It actually looks like a baby now & is such a wiggle worm. It was turning & the little arms & legs were going crazy. Misha says we’ve got a little Bboy in there. I hope it’s a Bgirl! I didn’t know what to expect to be quite honest. I knew at this stage that the baby should be moving around, and looked up what the ultrasound picture should look like, but I was worried. I was so scared that the image on the screen was going to be the same image we saw at the last ultrasound 2 weeks ago. As soon as the baby came into focus I could see that it was much bigger & then it started squirming.

I’m sure it’s the same way for any parent-to-be, but after going through a miscarriage & over a year of trying… I can’t find words to describe how it feels to see the baby actually moving & to know that it’s growing as it should. It has doubled in size over the past 2 weeks!

So that’s my big news! I’m pregnant, I’ve an unused Clomid script in my wallet, I’ve resorted to carrying Morning Chicness bags with me everywhere & I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.

I get my progesterone level checked tomorrow & if it’s too high I go off of it. I kind of wonder if that’s not what’s going on. Maybe my levels are really high right now?

I’m supposed to go to NYC Thursday but I just let Dan know that I might not be going. It sucks because I was actually looking forward to the trip, but I can’t travel like this. The trip to Las Vegas for Jason & Brie’s wedding almost did me in.

Leaving now to see the neurologist since my Lamictal level dropped to practically nothing. Really hope I don’t get put on driving restriction.

I’m totally going to do a post about the ultrasound. You know, as soon as this nausea passes.

I’m totally bouncy! I wasn’t nauseous when I woke up but as soon as I took a sip of my Sprite it hit me. It’s not Zofran worthy nausea; more like a little annoyance.

I go in at 3:30 today. Fingers crossed that she isn’t running behind today.

Some of my favorite flowers

I put them in the bedroom & it smells so pretty in there now. Such a nice husband!

• Everything happens for a reason
• God had other plans
• Don’t worry, you can try again
• At least you know you can get pregnant
• You’ll be over it soon
• The next one will be better
• It’s better that it happens now rather than later
• There was obviously something wrong with that baby, so it’s just sorted itself out
• That baby probably would have been born with all sorts of problems, at least you can try again for a healthy one

Yes, these are all things I’ve seen or have had said to me or I’ve read on baby boards. I’m serious, if you can’t come up with something useful to say just STFU. The only thing a woman needs to hear are condolences & offers for a shoulder to cry on.

That is all. Now I’m either going to puke or go back to sleep. I haven’t quite decided yet.